When my son Alex started kindergarten I noticed a change in his behavior. My usual sunny child became edgy and clingy, especially at bedtime. As any parent knows, the “one more drink,” routine can get old fast and I found myself frustrated and irritated by his behavior. Fortunately, it didn’t take long for me to wake up to the fact that he was experiencing a major life change and that what he needed was more nurturing, not “frustrated mommy scolding.”
As a result, I dedicated myself to spending extra time with him at bedtime, talking, reading and snuggling. In a couple of weeks, feeling more secure, he was ready to go back to our usual bedtime routine.
According to Becky Bailey, internationally recognized expert in childhood education and developmental psychology, my bedtime ritual with Alex actually worked on the neurotransmitters in his brain, increasing the levels of dopamine (a “feel good” chemical) and helping him feel safe, loved and empowered for the next school day.
“Rituals are the glue that holds a family together,” says Bailey. “They are the sacred moments of connection and a super brain food! What we hope for [in rituals] is four ingredients: eye contact, touching, being present (not thinking about other things), and playfulness. When we put these four ingredients together in a ritual we are not only having fun, we are wiring a child’s brain for impulse control.”
According to Bailey, most of the misbehavior children exhibit is “children just being children” and doing what they are hardwired to do: test limits and discover the boundaries of life. However, she adds that “children also misbehave when they have unmet emotional needs. This is true of all people; adults do the same thing,” she says. “‘I love you’ rituals create space in family life where emotional availability is guaranteed. These rituals provide daily tune-ups for children,” says Bailey, “through which attention spans are likely to increase and cooperation improve.”
Here is an example of one of Bailey’s brain-friendly, back-to-school rituals: first encourage your child to think of four things she thinks she will learn in school and one thing that frightens her about starting school. Then take her hand gently in yours and allow each finger to represent a different thing she thinks she will learn. Starting with the pinky, give it a little massage as you say something like, “So you think you are going to learn to write your name.” Then massage the next finger as you name another thing the child thinks he or she might learn. When you reach the thumb, give it a little massage and say something like, “But you are worried you may not find any friends.” Then take all the fingers and wrap them around the thumb, give her fist a squeeze and say, “I’m going to be right there supporting you every step of the way!”
According to Bailey, the touch involved in the finger massages and the squeeze “anchors” the message in the mind and body. Additionally, “The wrapping of the fingers around the thumb gives the child something he can do himself if he becomes overwhelmed. This action will call up and recreate the positive brain chemicals the child experienced with the parent.”
“The bond between parent and child is the child’s primary source of emotional health,” says Bailey. “It gives your child the capacity to have satisfying relationships the rest of his or her life. As you strengthen the bond with rituals you increase the cooperative spirit.”
For more of Becky Bailey’s rituals check out her book “I Love You Rituals” available at her website www.consciousdiscipline.com or at area bookstores.
Sidebar 1:
Not sure how to fit rituals into your life? Here are Bailey’s suggestions:
• When your children wake up
• When your children go to bed
• When you send your children to and welcome them home from school
• When you or your children leave or return from a trip
• At other “hello” and “good- bye” times
• During “life change” times, such as birthday, getting a new tooth, losing a tooth, graduation, birth of a sibling, and so on
• During family time, healing time or any other time together
Sidebar 2:
“Be the Person You Want Your Children to Become!”
Becky Bailey is coming to Tulsa! Don’t miss this unique opportunity to hear Becky Bailey in person. This parent/educator event is free of charge thanks to local sponsors: Community Action Project, Tulsa Technology Center, Tulsa County Library, and Child Care Resource Center. The event will be held Tuesday, August 5th from 6:30-8:30 p.m. (with a 30 minute book signing from 8:30-9 p.m.) at the Tulsa Technology Lemley Campus Career Service Building, 3420 S. Memorial.
The event is free, but pre-registration is required. To register visit the Child Care Resource Center website www.ccrctulsa.org and look for the link. Registration is also available at the door.
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